I live in the country.. I love the country! All the privacy, beautiful landscape…we even have an apple orchard and a pond…it’s lovely.
However, if I have to grocery shop, it’s easily a twenty to thirty minute drive. If I need other things, it takes longer.
All that driving to town never bothered me before I got sick. I mean, I just planned the day to shop for whatever was needed and off I went!
And then I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
Now, there is no PLANNING because I NEVER know what a day is going to be like for me physically.
There is NO anything. What I mean by that is my life has been turned upside down with pain and physical limitations.
I miss the “old” days. I miss my old self.
-here is some insider personality info-
My Italian lineage causes me to use my entire being when I talk (animated, hands waving, whole body conversations). Subsequently and due to the pain of being “me”, I have learned to “tone it down” by just not talking as much or answering with as few words as possible.
On the rare occasions that this side of me comes out, I become keenly aware of the pain as my arms begin to flail and my hands go a mile a minute.
The pain is horrific.
People equate me to my animated personality and when I speak in a mellow fashion, they immediately ask “Are you feeling okay?”
Am I okay?
Well now, do I want to be the type of person who really says how I feel knowing that person will never ask again?
No, I don’t.
So instead I just smile and say, “Why yes…I’m feeling fine.”
FINE…what does that even mean?
I like to be jumpy for my kids. I have ten of them, six still at home, and the first half of them remember a completely different Momma.
The older ones still here and going to college, have seen what Fibro has done to me. They had to get used to the new me just as I have.
The younger ones think when I get all animated that “Something must be wrong with Mom.”
Taking pain meds brings out my older self so the ones who know me best know I must be “on” something to be acting like that.
-end of insider personality info-
I miss me. The old me.
I struggle daily with acceptance and denial. Sometimes I have “got this” and other times I just want to curl up and wish it away.
Being creative helps me keep my mind off the pain. But I pay for it later. Like, cannot move later. *click here for my latest creative thought.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I would not change where I live for anything. Hearing the birds and seeing the beauty God designed brings me comfort and peace.
Yes, driving hurts me. Yes, I drive more often than I want to and even drive on BAD pain days. Mainly because my dear husband receives blood transfusions about every nine-ten days and we drive over an hour to the city for his bone cancer conditon. (We both got a health whammy within a few years while still in our 40’s…)
I will always be there for him, pain or not!!
My life around me still goes on. It still makes me smile, it still gets me through and it still brings me love. That is a gift.
So here is to today!
Rain or shine…zombified or not….road kill and left for dead…
“This is the day which the Lord hath made, we will rejoice and be glad in it!”
Blessings and gentle hugs-
~The Fibro Momma of Ten