I live in the country.. I love the country! All the privacy, beautiful landscape…we even have an apple orchard and a pond…it’s lovely.<\/p>\n
However, if I have to grocery shop, it’s easily a twenty to thirty minute drive. If I need other things, it takes longer.<\/p>\n
All that driving to town never bothered me before I got sick. I mean, I just planned the day to shop for whatever was needed and off I went!<\/p>\n
And then I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.<\/p>\n
Now, there is no PLANNING because I NEVER know what a day is going to be like for me physically<\/i>.<\/p>\n
There is NO anything. What I mean by that is my life has been turned upside down with pain and physical limitations.<\/p>\n
I miss the “old” days. I miss my old self.<\/p>\n
-here is some insider personality info-<\/em><\/p>\n My Italian lineage causes me to use my entire <\/i>being when I talk (animated, hands waving, whole body conversations). Subsequently and due to the pain of being “me”, I have learned to “tone it down” by just not talking as much or answering with as few words as possible.<\/p>\n On the rare occasions that this side of me comes out, I become keenly aware of the pain as my arms begin to flail and my hands go a mile a minute.<\/p>\n The pain is horrific.<\/p>\n People equate me to my animated personality and when I speak in a mellow fashion, they immediately ask “Are you feeling okay?”<\/p>\n Loaded question.<\/p>\n Am I okay?<\/p>\n Well now, do I want to be the type of person who really<\/i> says how I feel knowing that person will never ask again?<\/p>\n No, I don’t.<\/p>\n So instead I just smile and say, “Why yes…I’m feeling fine.”<\/p>\n FINE…<\/i>what does that even mean?<\/p>\n I like to be jumpy for my kids. I have ten of them, six still at home, and the first half of them remember a completely different Momma.<\/p>\n The older ones still here and going to college, have seen what Fibro has done to me. They had to get used to the new me just as I have.<\/p>\n The younger ones think when I get all animated that “Something must be wrong with Mom.”<\/p>\n Taking pain meds brings out my older self so the ones who know me best know I must be “on” something to be acting like that.<\/p>\n -end of insider personality info-<\/em><\/p>\n I miss me. The old me.<\/p>\n I struggle daily with acceptance and denial. Sometimes I have “got this” and other times I just want to curl up and wish it away.<\/p>\n