Life does not stop simply because we want it to.
Even before I was diagnosed with PsA, Fibromyalgia and Lupus, life never seemed to allow for breaks. Back then, vacations were nice, but the looming feeling of going back to the daily routine always seemed to over-shadow the vacation. Now, vacations are more about making me as comfortable as possible while traveling and while at the destination. The pain never stops, but the change of scenery can be a good thing.
I am visiting Arizona in July. For those that know how HOT it gets in southern Arizona in July, you may be wondering WHY I would choose to visit in the hottest month of their year. The answer is simple. My dear momma had her 4th stroke in the early spring of 2024 and my brother, who lived down the street from her, gave up his life to move in and care of her. I arrived from 5 states away to give him a much-needed break and make precious memories with my mom.
As a sufferer of chronic pain, this feat has not been easy. I brought along with me my 16-year-old daughter to help with the chores and the cooking allowing me to spend more time with my mother. I still wake up feeling run over, and my pain has not stopped while I am here.
My daily routine is off and honestly, my pain is soaring, but I know I am where I am supposed to be.
I have been trying to take things one moment at a time. The Lupus flare that attacked my hips and lower back, causing me unbearable pain, was halted just before my trip across the country, due to a nine-day course of steroids. It’s been 2 weeks since the meds ended and the pain has been trickling back at a steady pace, each day wreaking havoc on my joints. I also have nose ulcers which have developed and are quite painful. Lupus is NOT FUN. Add the normal Fibro pain and you have a recipe for the scene out of The Wizard of Oz when the Tin-man asks Dorothy for his oil can…
Since I’ve been here, my body has been asked to do things I would not normally do, like move boxes, bend over for long periods of time, squat, sit cross-legged, reach for things higher than I can manage, grocery shop every third day for fresh produce for my mom, help her with her daily PT, take her to the pool for PT, etc. By the end of the day, I feel completely run over and can scarcely move and then… it all begins again. I try to hide as much of my discomfort as I can, moving and doing all day, knowing I am helping my mom. But when she goes to bed, my body just screams!!!
I am not complaining, just stating how it is.
Chronic pain sufferers know that life does not stop. We just bulldoze ourselves through the day and each situation. Our time to rest comes in the little moments we MUST find or the days when we know we don’t have to “do.” When someone else needs us, we give all we can, and do our best, even when we feel like the fight has left us.
Mind-over-matter is the motto I strive for.
That motto takes its toll on my mind, body and soul. I must keep going, even through the silent tears that no one sees. Ministering to others is a good thing for the soul. God will give me the strength to keep on, keeping on! He always does. God is holding on to me today, even when I feel I need to be there for everyone else.
I seem to feel I need to hold it all together every day and sometimes that makes me feel alone, but I know God wants me to slow down and allow Him to help. When I feel tired, God is helping me get through the day. When I am in pain, God is holding me; it is my job to allow myself to “just be held” by God.
The song, “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns comes to mind…
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have, and I always will
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held (stop holding on)
Just be held, just be held
