I’m scared.
Not scared that someone will harm me. Not scared of dying (because I gave my life to Jesus and I know He has saved me and I will go to heaven). Not scared of animals. Not scared of anything like that.
I’m scared of what I do today and how it will affect my tomorrow.
I’m scared of doing things I love knowing how it will make me hurt later.
I’m scared of letting people down when I have to cancel out.
I’m scared of getting in the car and running errands, knowing that tomorrow and subsequent days I will hurt from the driving, getting in and out of the vehicle, walking in the stores… all of it.
I’m scared of hurting more than the normal day’s hurts because I know how badly the regular day-to-day can make me hurt.
I’m scared that doing normal things, well, -A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G- , and what happens to me up to 48 hours later.
I’m scared of doing.
Now, here’s the thing… I DO THINGS.
I exercise and/or stretch every day. I walk 1-2 miles outside as weather allows. I ride an Airdyne bike 5x a week, 2-6 miles per day. I bake and sell sour dough bread weekly. I sew pillows and curtains. I paint for fun. I do laundry and cook. I vacuum and dust. I iron my hubby’s work shirts. I pick up dog-poop… Yep, with a funky contraption my daughter bought me, but I pick it up.
I DO THINGS.
And all those things make me HURT. Sometimes, I hurt so badly I cannot think clearly. Sometimes I need a nap. Sometimes I crash-out on the couch without realizing it. Sometimes it’s all I can do to make myself get up and going. Sometimes I don’t.
Some days are better than others. Some days are worse than others. Some days I can, and some days I cannot.
I am scared of the days when I cannot because it HURTS.
I’m talking heating pad, knee, elbow, wrist, ankle and back braces-the whole shabang! I’m talking, barely mobile with the inability to think and having to rely on my daughters for things, etc. I HATE relying on anyone. I miss me.
I lost myself somewhere in the pain of living. I think that’s what scares me the most.
So, to all of you who are scared of doing for fear of the repercussions it will bring-I get it.
Fibromyalgia and Lupus are two of the most misunderstood conditions out there.
We need to make people aware and show them we are warriors. Anyone who really knows us, sees the warrior inside.
We need to keep doing! Keep going! Keep resting!
Whatever it takes to keep living, despite being scared of the pain.
My peptalk here is probably more to myself than to you. But there it is.
Stay Strong!
~The Fibro-Lupus Momma
