I am the husband of the Fibro-Lupus Butterfly. I am writing to help other husbands help their wives who suffer from these hidden diseases that not many people understand, including myself.
Fibromyalgia is a devastating disease that affects many parts of the body, including making the joints hurt terribly and also creates something called a brain fog. You never know when Fibro will flare up, but it is often. Many times, it makes simple tasks very painful and difficult. My wife suffers from this and it is sometimes hard to watch.
Lupus also causes the symptoms above, but to a worse degree, sometimes knocking her off her feet. Many times, I will find her resting and she doesn’t even remember laying down.
Trying to deal with your wife when she is hurting can be very difficult at times, but it is possible depending on how you approach the issue. Because I never know what each day or hour will bring, I must be prepared to shift my strategy on how to help her or decide if it is better to get out of the way. Although she may have feelings of disappointment arising because she has (unrealistic) ideas or plans that go by the wayside because she is having one of “those” days, compassion on my part must take its place quickly to provide her what is needed-whether it’s a back rub, an ear to listen, a couch-companion for a video, or to just leave her alone.
Often times, it can be like a game of chess, not knowing what piece to move because your opponent (the disease, not wife) is so unpredictable.
Essentially, you become a caretaker for a person that has debilitating diseases that are so hard to understand, and neither has a cure. For me, it can sometimes be frustrating and tiresome, but there is no room for selfishness in this equation because without my support, she does not deserve to feel alone, terrible and hurting.
No one likes to feel alone and that is exactly how these diseases can make you feel.
Trying to understand the way she feels is not as important to me as providing the support I know she needs. I text her often throughout the day, checking on her. I ask her to honestly tell me how she is doing that day and how she is feeling, what she was able to do, not do, etc. This way I know how to pray for her specifically and I will know how to help her when I get home from work.
She tries to be the “same old Mom” that our older children knew and she also tries to be that same person for our daughters still living at home, but it is hard on her body.
My wife has always had dreams of being the best Nonna for our grandchildren by loving them and spending time in the kitchen with them creating fun things and doing other things she loves, but many times that can be physically taxing on her and wears her out. She still does these things and desires to see the smiles on their faces, but she pays for it later. This is why these are called hidden diseases.
You would never know she suffers because she just goes and goes, smiling a smile only I understand, but inside she is physically and mentally “screaming.”
I am blessed because we have had a date-night once per week since we got married (over 36 years). We will usually get take-out or she will fix something simple. Some nights she may feel up to an outing to eat at a restaurant, but again, I never know until the time comes.
Her body dictates what we do.
Many times, our older daughters will prepare our date-night food, which is always helpful. Sometimes she feels like she can sit at the table and play a game, but usually we watch a video while she relaxes on her heating pad-but no matter what we do, it is time spent together–without distraction.
I took a vow upon marriage that said, “For better, or worse; In sickness, and in health” and she was there for me in worse, and in sickness, so I will be there for her also. Understand that I am not perfect in any of this, and it takes a lot of work, but isn’t your wife worth every effort?
I share this with you, not for pity on her, but for awareness of these diseases, and for prayer for her. We all need prayer, too, and for any others that you may know that suffer with the same conditions or are trying to help them.
I hope this post helps other husbands help their wives who suffer from Fibromyalgia and/or Lupus.
“For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard” Psalm 22:24.
My wife, I will love you forever.
